Kevin's Story
Becoming an alcoholic was certainly not part of the life plan that I felt was laid down for me. My father was an alcoholic and I had promised my mother that there was no way that I was going to follow in his footsteps. My earliest memory of dad being drunk, that really effected me, was at the age of 12. He came to pick myself and my sister up from school to take us to the local swimming pool. We both just thought he was in a really good mood, but he was drunk. This became apparent when he dived in the wrong end of the pool and broke his nose on the bottom . The water was like something off " JAWS" and much to the amusement of our school friends, dad was thrown out .
This and many other events were brought to mind when I was answering LIFE QUESTIONS in a 12 step alcoholic re-hab . On reflection I don't think anything could have stopped me drinking although I had plenty of reasons . Isn't it strange how alcoholics like me seem to misuse the word "reason" for the word "excuse"? Anyway the easiest one for me in my youth was that it was so culturally acceptable. …..Everybody did it . But when I look back they did not do it like me . After a period of time where I benefited from the feeling of an alcohol induced boost in confidence, which is regularly aired at AA meetings, I soon found that what I wanted from drink was some form of oblivion not something convivial.
At this point in the late 60's the trend of the day came to my rescue and enabled me to be different from Dad . I could use cannabis and LSD and proudly say that I did not drink,but before long I was mixing them about a little . However my first hospitalisation was definitely LSD induced . Once again I can reflect and seen how I was different from my friends . I always had to go that step further , that step over the precipice . I almost died at the age of eighteen and never touched LSD again . That was probably the very first time that I experienced the guilt and remorse that through my actions and alcoholism I was going to inflict upon myself for a great many years to come . I was free now to liberally partake of the drug of my choice, alcohol . In fact I was encouraged even by my Mother who justifiably had a deep hatred of drink thought that this socially acceptable drug would be better for me than what she called "Real drugs". I managed at this period of my life, with a great deal of practise, to build up a tolerance that enabled me to become a successful heavy drinker with only spasmodic periods of insanity. These periods fitted into the mood of the time as I perceived it and life was OK . I quit my job for some years to concentrate on the rock band I had been in for sometime and was just thought to be a little eccentric or zany.
After this I embarked on numerous geographicals, sometimes international, but never had the feeling of running away because it went with the job I was then doing and I made no attempt to change my lifestyle where ever I went. In fact as an engineering inspector working abroad I believed I would not have fitted in if I didn't drink. ( I know we've probably all used that one) . Anyway, throughout this time to the world of "normal" people I appeared to be happy and financially successful enough. But I knew inside even in those far and distant days that an illness inside of me was advancing on me and getting stronger and stronger, I also knew that I was not going to do anything about it.
Even when I finally and reluctantly tried to do something about it after my first hospital de-tox I only wanted what I thought was the easier way, the way I definitely did not want was the AA way . I had been to AA in desperation once and it got me sober and saved a very important period of my life. I had gone back into full time education and at the age of 41 I was 3 months from my degree finals and I could not write my name . Somewhat of a handicap. I got sober got my degree then carried on drinking. This went on for some years, a never ending cycle; hospital de-tox, be a good boy for awhile and then back at it again. Warnings meant absolutely nothing to me . My health, the depression, relationships and suicide attempts……I could not stop drinking, I was not in charge . When we discuss step one I can remember the morning when I asked the questions . Who decides whether or not I get washed today? Who decides whether or not I have breakfast? who decides whether or not I vomit? Who decides whether or not I go to work? And who is in control of many more decisions in my life ? Not me, that was for sure. I was now a college lecture and I had tried in slightly manageable period to intermittently carry on . Totally impossible . The one thing I was sure about at this time and now, is that somebody or something was looking after me . They must have been. I had had the last rights three times and now all three priests are dead.
Even though I had admitted that my life was unmanageable and that the drink had won, I was quite happy , in a sick way, to carry on drinking. Then one day after a really severe spell of self imposed isolation I tried to de-tox myself , an extremely dangerous pastime. After days of vomiting and horrors I managed to get a bus to an alcohol worker and asked him if he could refer me to a particular rehab that I had sworn I would never set foot in. To this day I don't know why I did this . It was as if I was in a trance travelling there and knowing me he could not believe my request . Nevertheless he somehow got me in and after a few weeks fighting the regime, I surrendered . On the first day one of the staff ( all AA members ) asked me what my apprehensions were ? I said I didn't want to be brainwashed . He told me that he couldn't understand why because I was an intelligent man and my brain really needed cleaning. He was right.
I am in very early recovery 9/9/99 and can now contemplate on being home for the first sober Christmas I have ever had . I celebrated my 50th birthday in a 12 step rehab with 15 other alcoholics. Not what I thought my original life plan had instore for me . We had a great time and I progress to learn what fun can be had without alcohol. My recovery is going well, a day at a time, and I'm enjoying the many miracles of life in sobriety .I am involved in my home group, and continue to grow with the help of the fellowship and my higher power. I'm learning to live life on life's terms and not letting my emotions run riot. I have many things to address from my time in the grip of a cunning , baffling and powerful disease, but I have been given the gift of hope and the promises of AA are slowly being fulfilled for me . I now believe in miracles . I am an extremely lucky and grateful alcoholic . Most of all I'm glad that, for a reason only known to my God, as I choose to call him now, that I believed them when they told me that " you can have what we have".
KEVIN